You know it. We know it. Craft rope is AWESOME! You want to know more? You want to know about its history and how it's now been twisted into something AWESOME!

Then sign up NOW for our tutored session!

Your guide* will make you suffer entertain you with a multimedia-socially-networked-crowdsourced presentation **  that features:

- the history of traditional old rope and its crafters

-  a fully interactive session on how the building blocks of old rope are brought together in the magical equation of yarn + strand +  twist = rope.

- the myths stories behind how the export of old rope to India revolutionised the market for old rope

- how old rope now inspires a whole new generation of AWESOME braided rope artisans who work with cutting-edge materials in a converted nuclear bunker to supply hand-crafted new rope to the discerning new rope aficionados (and Tesco)

The price includes three samples of locally sourced old rope for you to love and cherish. And, maybe, pass on to your grandchildren***




* Identity of guide is subject to availability and whoever's written a blog we liked that week. Red trousers available in Camden only. Ironic beard and tattoos available at all venues.

** Words and pictures from Wikipedia

*** old rope may rot to buggeration if not kept within tight quality control parameters. And we don't know what those parameters are. Sorry.


Note - any resemblance between this lame parody and certain beer tasting experiences that really ought to know better is purely intentional. But it's not the one you're thinking of. Honest. >

I struggle with the concept of 'best'. Ever since I drank a pint of 'best' bitter that was 'best' only if the definition of 'best' was 'baby vomit after one too many Farley's Rusks'.

So, here's my Golden Pints. But substituting the qualifier 'best' with 'I remember that this was a rather interesting...'

UK Draught (Cask or Keg) Beer

Thornbridge Chiron. Keg. Because when I saw it on a bar, I drank it. Ditto for Oakham Green Devil. Cask.⁽¹⁾

UK Bottled or Canned Beer

Adnams Ghost Ship. Because I drank it on a train near Ely and was thankful for a decent, hoppy beer in a can. And, let's face it. Everyone likes it in the can ⁽²⁾

Overseas Draught Beer

I've had nothing this year that's excited me madly. I can't believe I've just typed that.⁽³⁾

Overseas Bottled or Canned Beer

Orval. Surprise? Pucker up, buttercup.⁽⁴⁾

Overall Beer

Orval. Obviously.⁽⁵⁾

Pumpclip or Label⁽⁶⁾

UK Brewery⁽⁷⁾

Three stood out for me.

Thornbridge for continued innovation. And Buxton.

Tiny Rebel for being a brewery that excited others and made me excited enough to want to find their beers. And then drink them like I stole them when I found them.

Beavertown for brewing "America Fuck Yeah", a spiced pumpkin ale. A pumpkin ale. With spice. That wasn't a clusterfuck. And, as my first beer by them, was one fuck-yeah of an introduction.

Lovibonds kept subverting expectation. Brodies too. And Moor are massively under-rated and all the better for it.

And that's not three. So sue me.

Overseas Brewery⁽⁸⁾

Orval. Get with the program.

Pub/Bar of the Year⁽⁹⁾

If only there was somewhere that sold decent stout and kegged hoppy stuff and had an eighteenth century cottage as a drinking den. And made hot Scotch eggs. And had deep leather sofas outside. And Mrs Scoop could recover me from a nearby car park. Oh, wait. There is.

Exeter Arms, Derby

Beer Festival of the Year

IndyManBeerCon. You were great. A whole bunch of brewers and rare beers with enthusiastic punters to serve them to - I even worked behind the bar on my night off.

But.. you still weren't as great as Nottingham. Because you didn't have a castle.

Supermarket of the Year

Sainsburys.  For bombers of Punk. And when they ran out, Meantime London Pale, 3 for £5.

Independent Retailer of the Year

Not telling. OK, I'll say. Liquid Treasure in Belper. Only because there's only four people I know who will go there. And you already go there. And you don't buy all the Cantillon.

Online Retailer of the Year

Beermerchants. Yes, there's the rare shizzle. But there's also all the usual suspects lined up in a row.

Beer Book or Magazine

IPA. Hands and feet and other organs above anything else I've seen this year⁽¹⁰⁾.

Beer Blog or Website

It's me. I demanded a recount. It was me again.

But this old bugger was close.

Best Beer Twitterer

Gunmakers. The vicarious pleasure of reading their menu, seeing their locals and being privy to Jeff have a good old rant reminded me of the good old days...

Online Brewery presence

Not sure I understand this. But if it's the overall way in which a brewery uses and abuses social media, it's got to be Magic Rock. For the dodgy webcam, their elegant website and Stu's tweets about pizza.

Food and Beer Pairing of the Year

Every time I remembered to pair food and beer. Because when I didn't, having a surfeit of the latter and little of the former, I fell over.

In 2013 I’d Most Like To…

Drink in Germany. If only to drink kolsch in Koln. And rauch in Bamberg.

Open Category: You Choose

For everyone who has an attitude about beer in the UK to do this: look back five years. The beers you drank, the styles they were, the brewers that brewed them. Look what's happening NOW. Imagine what could be in another five years time.

Be positive or negative?

You choose.



Scoopies tomorrow. Peace and love xx



⁽¹⁾ It has to be about the beer that I would buy without hesitation or deviation. But definitely with repetition.

⁽²⁾ You may need to have listened to the Session to get this joke.

⁽³⁾  Don't get me wrong. I've enjoyed a shit-ton of foreign beer this year. But nothing grabs me knackers as I write this. Which speaks volumes. Hopefully.

⁽⁴⁾  Still can't find where I know the line 'pucker up, buttercup" from. I suspect it's from Ferris Bueller's Day Off. Can't be arsed to check.

⁽⁵⁾  I refer the honourable visitor to a blog I blogged some moments ago

⁽⁶⁾  Just looking at that tickles my willy in a special way

⁽⁷⁾  Exclusion is not a slap in the face. Difficult to nominate the best of the best of the best. It just turns into a circlejerk if we're not careful.

⁽⁸⁾  Once again, for the record

⁽⁹⁾  I'd award this to the Grove in Huddersfield. But with that slow train back, I need to piss into a bottle. Not easy with Orval's narrow neck. And an audience.

⁽¹⁰⁾  Why Beer Matters by Evan Rail came within a gnat's chuff >

Sat in a pub, wanting quiet time, you have to adopt a strategy.

Initially, I poured Anheuser (3)

The thousand-yard stare makes punters jumpy. Twitching on Twitter is too geeky.

Burt changes with a holiday in the sun? (3,5)

A sharpened pencil and folded paper helps.

Takes lane by weir, tottering (6,4)

Because, if in doubt, you can just scrawl some bollocks in the corner of The Times

In the trub, it terminates? Please, Klaus! (6)


>

For the record.

If it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks and shags and scaups like a duck, then it's a duck.

Craft beer is where you find it. Where you find it depends on how you define it.

How you define it? That's your call.

There will never - never - be agreement in the UK as to what 'craft beer' really means.

So let's just drink good beer and have some fun.

The Craft Beer Manifesto started on Twitter one bored morning when I was achingly tired by the excess PR of certain mediocre brewers. You may interpret this manifesto as having a pop at particular organisations and individuals. I couldn't possibly comment.

Because if it sounds like a dick, acts like a dick, tweets and blogs and brews like a dick, then it's a dick.


THE CRAFT BEER MANIFESTO.


1: Only use distilled otter's tears

2: Use only barley that's been warmed by the breath of kindly owls

3: Craft beer cares, so only use hops that have been flown halfway around the world

4: You can have it any colour you like, as long as it's not brown. Unless its an Indian Brown Ale

5: Beards allowed only if they're ironic

6: It's not "inconsistent", it's "experimental"

7: It's not "hiding faults", it's "barrel-ageing"

8: It's not "gone off", it's "challenging preconceptions of sour beer"

9: Ensure that the branding costs more than the brewhouse

10: Collaborate every month with an international brewer, a blogger, a celebrity & a musician

11: There are only seven ingredients in Craft Beer: hops, malt, water, yeast, YouTube, Twitter & Facebook

12: Our over-riding mantra - Craft Beer Is AWESOME !!! \m/\m/ !!!


>

Maybe it's the good-natured queue. Even when you've been kicked off the steps outside Earls Court ("this is private property").

Maybe it's the stellar volunteers. Every man jack, but props to Craig "Craigie" Garvie and Yan "Blame Pivovar Yan" Pilkington. You kept the beers flowing and your recommendations were spot-on.

Maybe it's the food. Any day that takes in crayfish tails, pork scratchings and curried boar ain't too shabby in my book.

Maybe - just maybe - it's the beer. Draught Girardin. Stone So Cal Hop Salute Imperial Black IPA. Pivovar Broumov Opat Kvasničák Coriander. Greene King Very Specially Full Of Peardrops and U-HU 'IPA'.

Nah.

It's the people.

Way too many to name, but I know this much is true: spending the day bumping into everyone for giggles and ginger-merkin wearing was a big firkin of fun.

Good beer is where you find it. Today, I found it by the pint-load at GBBF. Lest we forget, we wouldn't have been there without CAMRA. 'Nuff respect.



1)  I thought of doing the big fat namedrop in the style of Joseph's Coat but I knew I'd miss someone. Gawd bless you all.


2) The ginger merkin photomontage will appear later. When I can be arsed to Photoshop. Which means when I have to be slumped in front of the work keyboard in about eight hours. TTFN >