"It is called Merry-goe-downe, for it slides downe merrily; It is fragrant to the sent; It is most pleasing to the taste.; The flowring and mantling of it (like chequer worke) with the Verdant smiling of it, it is delightefull to the sight, it is Touching or Feeling to the Braine and Heart; and (to please the senses all) it provokes men to singing and mirth, which is contenting to the Hearing...

...It sets an Edge upon Logick and Rhetorick; It is a friend to the Muses; It inspires the poore Poet, that cannot compasse the price of Canarie or Gascoigne; It mounts the Musitian above Eela; It makes the Balladmaker Rime beyond Reason; It is a Repairer of a decaide Colour in the face; It puts Eloquence into the Oratour; It will make the Philosopher talke profoundly, the Scholar learnedly. and the Lawyer acute and feelingly...

... in Conclusion, it is such a nourisher of Mankinde, that if my Mouth were as bigge as Bishopgate, my Pen as long as a Maypole, and my Inke a flowing spring, or a standing fishpond, yet I could not with my Mouth, Pen or Inke, speake or write the true worth and worthiness of Ale."


Excerpt, "Drinke and Welcome", John Taylor, 1637 >

It's been some time since I delved into 'Merry-Go-Down', that essential reader for topers, so I thought I'd revisit it. An extract by Thomas Nashe caught my eye - in 'Pierce Penniless: His Supplication to the Devil' (1592), Nash identifies eight kinds of drunkenness:

1) Ape-drunke; one where the toper "leapes, and sings, and hollowes, and danceth for the heavens".

2) Lion-drunke; "He flings the pots about the house, calls his Hostesse whore, breakes the glasse windowes with his dagger, and is apt to quarrel with any man that speaks to him".

3) Swine drunke; the subject is "heavy, lumpish, and sleepie, and cries for a little more drinke, and a fewe more cloathes".

4) Sheepe drunk; a drinker "wise in his owne conceipt, when he cannot bring forth a right word".

5) Mawdlen drunke; "A fellow will weepe for kindness in the midst of his ale, and kisse you, saying; By God Captaine I love thee, goe thy waies thou dost not thinke so often of me as I do of thee, i would (if it pleased God) could I not love thee so well as I do, and then he puts his finger in his eie, and cries".

6) Martin drunke; "a man is drunke and drinkes himself sober ere he stirre".

7) Goate drunke; one who "hath no minde but on Lechery".

8) Fox drunke; "He is craftie drunke, as many of the Dutch men bee, will never bargaine but when they are drunke".

Rather than something to be revered, Nash warns the reader against the 'slavering brewery, that will make you have stinking breathes, and your bodies smell like Brewer's aprons". Yeah, right.

But I can identify myself lurking on that list several times over. Certainly I've been prone to swine-drunkenness in my time. And I know a few martin-drunk types, who may or may not actually be called Martin and must remain nameless for legal reasons.

Which kind of drunk are you? I'm sure you want to tell the world. We've probably all seen the photos on Facebook, anyway...



Incidentally, Thomas Nashe is credited with the first English usage of the word 'dildo', in his soft porn poem 'The Choice of Valentines'. >

There's only so many choruses of 'Delilah' and 'If I Were The Marrying Kind' that a drinker can take. If you want bawdy, politically incorrect banter with a hint of historic provenance and just enough folk heritage, you need The Toper's Song.

The Toper's Song is an arrangement by Peter Warlock of a song featured on an eighteenth century ballard sheet sung by that most excellent English clown, Joseph Grimaldi. Warlock himself was himself a noted toper and man of many facets. Indeed, Warlock was but a pseudonym of Philip Arnold Heseltine, a noted critic, author and self-taught composer who studied at Eton and Oxford, wrote about Delius and produced a raft of songs influenced greatly by his love of Elizabethan music.

Heavy-drinking joviality was a way of life for Warlock at time The Toper's Song was written, as he enjoyed a wild, boozy time in Eynsford, Kent in the company of friend E. J. Moeran. Music critic Ian Copley was impressed just enough to say that the song had "sufficient individuality and harmonic piquancy to lift it out of the ruck of anonymous commonplace".

Sadly, I don't know if that's true. I haven't been able to find an album or download of The Toper's Song. But you know how sometimes you don't need to hear a tune for it to resonate inside your head?

See if you know what I mean when you read the lyrics;

"The landlord he looks very big,
With his high cock'd hat and his powder'd wig;
Methinks he looks both fair and fat,
But he may thank you and me for that,
For 'tis
O, good ale, thou art my darling,
And my joy both night and morning!

The brewer brew'd thee in his pan,
The tapster draws thee in his can;
Now I with thee will play my part
And lodge thee next unto my heart,
For 'tis
O, good ale, thou art my darling,
And my joy both night and morning.

But if my wife should thee despise,
By Jove, I'll beat out both her eyes,
But if she loves me as I love thee,
A happy couple we shall be,
For 'tis
O, good ale, thou art my darling,
And my joy both night and morning.

Thou oft hast made my friends my foes,
And often made me pawn my clothes;
But since thou art so night my nose,
Come up my friend and down he goes,
For 'tis
O, good ale, thou art my darling,
And my joy both night and morning."


If you want to find out more about Peter Warlock, try some of these links:

- some of his work featured on last.fm

- extracts from over thirty of his songs recorded by Hyperion

- Geoff Grainger's extensive website

- a short biography on the Pristine Classical site

Lyrics courtesy of recmusic.org

Illustration by Hal Collins, taken from the ever-excellent 'Merry-Go-Down' by Rab Noolas - another Heseltine pseudonym (read it backwards). Much, much more from that anthology "collected for the use, interest, illumination and delectation of serious topers" will feature here in the future. >