The Craft Beer Manifesto

For the record.

If it walks like a duck, swims like a duck, quacks and shags and scaups like a duck, then it's a duck.

Craft beer is where you find it. Where you find it depends on how you define it.

How you define it? That's your call.

There will never - never - be agreement in the UK as to what 'craft beer' really means.

So let's just drink good beer and have some fun.

The Craft Beer Manifesto started on Twitter one bored morning when I was achingly tired by the excess PR of certain mediocre brewers. You may interpret this manifesto as having a pop at particular organisations and individuals. I couldn't possibly comment.

Because if it sounds like a dick, acts like a dick, tweets and blogs and brews like a dick, then it's a dick.


1: Only use distilled otter's tears

2: Use only barley that's been warmed by the breath of kindly owls

3: Craft beer cares, so only use hops that have been flown halfway around the world

4: You can have it any colour you like, as long as it's not brown. Unless its an Indian Brown Ale

5: Beards allowed only if they're ironic

6: It's not "inconsistent", it's "experimental"

7: It's not "hiding faults", it's "barrel-ageing"

8: It's not "gone off", it's "challenging preconceptions of sour beer"

9: Ensure that the branding costs more than the brewhouse

10: Collaborate every month with an international brewer, a blogger, a celebrity & a musician

11: There are only seven ingredients in Craft Beer: hops, malt, water, yeast, YouTube, Twitter & Facebook

12: Our over-riding mantra - Craft Beer Is AWESOME !!! \m/\m/ !!!


  1. Excellent. You could add 13: "Everything brewed by anyone who has been in the brewing business longer than five years is automatically bad."

  2. Rule 14: any failings in customer service or deliveries are the not the fault Of the brewery but of evil uncraftlike companies hellbent on the demise of the craft revolution.

  3. Awesome, there's a lot of truth in there :)

  4. Fantastic!

    15: One off triple imperial double barrel aged double figure ABV triple figure IBU only available at the brewery as long as you are worthy or have your craftophile credentials in order.

  5. Don't forget passion as an ingredient.

  6. wear shorts as you lift your handled dimpled glass to a mouth that only knew Chardonnay several months ago

  7. 16: never suggest that bottle size reductions or prize rises are cash grabs because craft brewers don't do it for the money.

  8. Brilliant policy document, an edgy, boundary pushing tome. 17 should be " you can't put a price on integrity - so our beer is £8.00 a pint".

  9. Desperately try and dress like an American from Oregon.

  10. Heh heh. Funny, as ever. Once their job is done, are the same kindly owls then killed, eviscerated and used to decorate the bottles of the top-end barrel-aged stuff?

  11. This is a sad indictment. A few years ago "Craft Beer" was an exciting thing to be involved in. Now, largely thanks to Brewdog and Hardknott with their Craft Credibility and ridiculous videos, it has become a rather sickly joke filled with the pretensions listed above. I enjoy beer, I do not enjoy craft beer.

  12. Reeet funny. Cheers for brightening up slush Monday.