Toper Talk: Ey Up Mi Duck!

In West Cumbria, pub staff have found a novel way of overcoming any local language difficulties with the Polish populace. A translation card can be brandished and pertinent phrases pointed to; 'The bar is now closed', 'Do you require first aid?', 'Thank you for your custom' etc. As we get the odd misplaced tourist round our way in the Derwent valley, I thought I'd extend the idea fur enny bogger thit goz drinkin rund ear...


The bar is now closed - Avvadenuvv. Boggarovv
We close at... - Thacansuptil leven
Do you require first aid? - Alreet, lad? Wozzup wee ya? Ya badly? Ayyer bin clonked?
If you want to make a complaint, please come back tomorrow and ask for the manager - Dint git mardy wee me, sun. Cumbac tamarra n bellyake aht gaffa
Thank you for your custom - Cheers mi duck!

And if you're in the pub when a weirdy-beardy loses it in front of the landlord;

"Let's be raight. Eh's gorra munk on, tha mardy scrater, coz tha reer gest's gun. Lairy ticker! Hiz doolally-tap!"

- We should be clear about the situation. He's rather moody, the crybaby, because the rare guest beer has run out. The wild beer enthusiast! He is clearly not in full control of his mental faculties!".

With apologies to Richard Scollins and John Titford for this half-arsed attempt, my primary school teacher Miss Whatmouth who steered me away from the affected vulgarities of former pupil D H Lawrence, my junior school teacher Mr Hardman who desperately tried to inculcate the class with this wonderful dialect and my dear old Mum who was absolutely right when she insisted that it was a coat that one kept in the cloakroom, rather than a cowat that wer chucked ont stares...