When bloggers go brewing
Brewer arrives at brewery. Mashes in.
An hour later, Blogger phones to ask for a lift from the railway station.
Brewer picks up blogger. Brewer takes photo of blogger outside the brewery so
that blogger can tweet a pic: “OMG!! It’s #brewday!!!!”
Sandwich van pulls up outside. Blogger buys a bacon sandwich. Brewer explains he had
his breakfast at six-thirty this morning. At breakfast-time.
Brewer begins run-off. Blogger is asked to weigh out hops.
Blogger wears two pairs of gloves, mispronounces Citra and declares is to be “really
fruity”.
Brewer runs checks on other beers, answers sales calls,
checks invoices, chases payments, moves casks. Blogger wanders around the
brewery trying to find a 3G signal.
Run-off complete, mash tun is ready to be dug out. Brewer
takes photo of Blogger holding a spade. Blogger rushes off to post it to
Facebook / Twitter / Google + / Flickr / tumblr / MySpace / Geocities. By the
time Blogger has finished, Brewer has dug out and cleaned up the mash tun.
Hops are ready to be added. Blogger dons the level of
personal protective equipment usually worn by the emergency services at a
chemical spill. Blogger drops the hops onto the floor as he’s too busy gurning
for the camera.
Lunchtime. Brewer presents Blogger with a selection of
sandwiches, pork pie, crisps, and cake. Brewer only has time to eat an apple.
Brewer asks Blogger if he’d like a drink. Blogger asks for a
sample drawn from each FV into stemmed glassware, plus a bottle of ‘anything
special’ that’s lurking in the kitchen area. Brewer only intended mashing
a pot of tea. Blogger then spends thirty minutes holding stemmed glasses up to
the light in order to take ‘artistic’ pictures. Brewer carries on cleaning.
Wort is transferred. Brewer has no intention of risking
Blogger sneezing in the yeast so doesn’t ask for assistance. Blogger is too
busy punching the air as he makes it to level eleventy of CityVille.
Brewer cleans the vessel exteriors, the roller door, the
floor. Blogger drops a glass of beer onto the floor whilst trying to tweet a
picture of it. Brewer thinks of boiling water, corrosive chemicals,
high-pressure gases, sharp implements, confined spaces, moving vehicles and
electrical current.
Brewer considers introducing Blogger to the inherent danger
of “mixed hazards”…
Labels:
tongue in cheek
totally agree about the connection of bloggers and beer :)
ReplyDeleteyou really must come and brew with us. though it'll run thusly:
ReplyDeletebrewer arrives at brewery at a comparatively civilised 8am. so does blogger. who better have brought some breakfast as nowt open around there
blogger shifts 200kg of malt to shelf above mash tun, and pours into mash hopper
blogger washes some casks while mash merrily er, mashes. blogger photted washing casks, phots tweeted/farcebooked with suitable 'witty' caption
run off starts, blogger chucks in some hops (and is photted, twweeted etc), washes more casks
attached pub opens, blogger dispatched to buy beer
blogger and brewers eat pie cooked to perfection on side of copper
blogger cleans fermenter (phot, tw@tter, farcebook…)
blogger chucks in more hops
blogger digs out mash tun (assuming blogger is not Roger Pratz and doesn't turn up in a suit… actually suited bloggers still made to dig mash tun, while brewers chuckle to themselves)
blogger thirsty, so sent to buy more beer. Or we open bottles, if we have any
brewers transfer wort to fermenter while blogger washes more casks
blogger pitches yeast, wearing sneezeguard if necessary
blogger shovels hops (a lot of hops!) out of copper
blogger attempts to climb into copper to clean it, is laughed at when he can't fit through access hatch, and is sent to sweep floor while oh-so-slim brewer struggles through hatch
after cleaning up, brewers and blogger go to pub, where blogger is permitted to buy his hosts a beer for the privilege