Toper Talk: CAMRA Man

I am a CAMRA member. Albeit only for economic reasons (cheap or free entry to beer festivals). There's often been a perception that CAMRA members are bearded sandal wearers who could bore for Britain about malt gristing. So, in the week that my mate Mark was called up t'committee in his local area, I began to wonder how close I am to that pervasive member stereotype. Let's look at a sterling example of one, courtesy of Half Man Half Biscuit. Am a really a 'CAMRA Man'?


Half Man Half Biscuit lyrics in bold, my responses below.

C.A.M.R.A Man (3:08) Track 3, 'Eno Collaboration EP' 1996 Probe Plus.

Anything under five percent I don’t want to drink it
I do like strong IPAs and stouts, but I'm more than happy to have weaker beer. In fact, I am in awe of a brewer who can extract great flavours and aromas in a beer around three per cent (or, in the case of Thornbridge Kastor, 2.9%)

Ugly frontage? Don’t even think it
I'm more concerned about the quality of beer inside than the flowerpots outside. For instance - Out Of The Vaults in Leicester looks like a tacky wine bar (which it once was) but has corking beers. The picture-perfect Trip To Jeruslam sells Greene King's foulest. 'All that glisters is not gold, often have you heard that told'

I want my hand held pumps
Pumps are good. And gravity is just as good (the Coopers Arms in Burton is my favourite non-bar of any pub I know). And, whisper it dear toper, keg can be good as well - there's too much snobbery about 'living' beer.

I want the sci-fi meet
Not really a SF fan - I've dabbled with Iain M Banks and Ken McLeod but the hard-sci-fi tomes bore the colon out of me

I want Dave and Barbara to refer me to the blackboard
I once knew a Ken and Barbara who ran a pub. And that pub now has a beer blackboard. But I've not averse to actually asking staff what they can recommend.

‘Cos I’m a CAMRA man
Indeed

Weekends, vintage car show
I have been known to attend the occasional classic and vintage raceday. But that's to see them compete on track, not just buffed with a cloth in a farmer's field.

Doctor Who aficionado
No. No, no, no. Most over-rated 'entertainment' show in the history of British television.

No wife no kids
No and yes.

No way juke box
Depends. Sometimes I prefer a quiet pint and a crossword, sometimes I'm keen on decent background music (which the Smithfield in Derby often serves up with the Clash, the Jam etc)

I get sent the Belstaff catalogues
Had to Google them to see what this was all about. I'm more of a Berghaus man myself.

‘Cos I’m a CAMRA man
Perhaps in part...

And at the Monday night archery
Totally untrue. It was a Tuesday night... and I may well take up English Longbow next spring

A fellow cellar hopper lent to me
A Willie Rushton biography
In return for my Sally James scrapbook
I didn't know there was a Willie Rushton biography. I'd be keen on reading that. But I don't know if it's worth swapping a Sally James scrapbook for. Depends how porno the pictures were. No, not of Willie Rushton...

I’m a dirty great big Five Nations fan
Guilty as charged, m'lud. Even though it's now five nations and the sickly weaker one. You know, Scotland.

I’ve got Cheap Trick Live at the Budokan
No. Life is too short.

I’ve got a friend I can trust
Yes, but not with my beer cellar.

I’ve got a shotgun round the back
No, but I knew a guy who kept one by his front door.

I’ve got a Bonneville in bits but I’m gonna sort it out
Haven't got the room for one - my garage is full of beer.

Because I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am I am
I am a CAMRA man
On paper, yes. But not stereotypicaly so. And, indeed, most of the CAMRA members that I know aren't sandal-wearing beard-infested tickers. One of the is a bubbly young blonde with perty breasts. But his moobs will start to sag one day...

And you can really taste the hops!
Anyone who says this ought to be shot. So, no standing next to me with a firearm in Sheffield this weekend when I'm salivating into Thornbridge Halcyon.

For all of you unenlightened enough to have never experienced the lyrical genius that is Half Man Half Biscuit, Lastfm will play it for you here